goodbyes

we have had so many goodbyes. each time people ask

how do you do it?

how do you let them go?

how can you do it again just to know they will be leaving… again?

how are your kids handling this life?

you must be a special person to do this?

let me tell you, it is impossible to say goodbye. it is out of my hands. it isn’t fair and it is terrible. no, it doesn’t get easier or harder, it just is terrible. no i don’t just get used to it. it tears me apart everytime.

we have had a very positive fostering experience. growing our family through adoption three times and then adding so many to our extended family through fostering and keeping connections. I wouldn’t trade any of it, but man, my heart hurts.

not very often do i say no to something because it would be uncomfortable or cause me pain… i would take that any day ALL day just so someone else didn’t have to.

maybe it is my curse.

maybe it is my blessing.

either way it is the greatest gift i have and for now i will use it as much as i can.

through God’s promise to me we have felt immeasurable joy and simultaneously grief. being able to place a child who knows you as momma into the arms of another momma (birth or adoptive) is the greatest joy and sorrow I have ever felt. with each child welcomed or leaving my heart has broken. the pieces of my heart broke at the feet of the One who made me. He looked at the pieces carefully, looking for the one He created to fit the hole in this foster child… or maybe his birth mom, then He mended their hearts… then He mended mine. He used a piece of His to heal mine… I know this because every time my heart breaks for His children I can feel more of His love in my heart. I can feel more of Him and I know this because I can love these babies and their birth families in a way only He could.

so i say goodbye to the kids who have a piece of my heart with them forever whether they will remember my face, my voice, my smell or my memory. i say goodbye with no expectation so there is no guilt. these kiddos do not have to carry my heart break as another burden. they carry enough.

i say goodbye just in time to say yes again.